Do you ever feel like everything is just so wrong? Like it was never meant to be? I've felt like that! && I've been feeling like this for a very long time. Somehow, its like my life is way out of place.
I just realized that there will never be a "Happily Ever After" for me. I've killed that hope many years ago. In fact I don't even think I believe in Love. Like I said,
I DON'T BELIEVE IN FAIRYTALES && Love is a fairytale. Happy endings and Virginie are just not meant to be. It just doesn't click. That I have finally concluded. So yeaaa, I just got my heart wounded. Yes! Wounded, not broken. Because it's already shattered from the very beginning. Yet the beating pieces are still made of flesh and blood. It was my mistake. My mistake again. I kept telling myself not to care. Not to care, but I did. I know I said that I didn't want a relationship or anything. In fact, I know I always said I was not ready. And that's the truth. I was never ready. I wasn't at all ready when you chose to
JUMP AT ME with the idea that you liked me and that you wanted something. I told you I wasn't ready. I told you I don't want a relationship. Yet you were persistant. You never gave up after the many times I asked you to. You kept asking me to consider. You kept asking if there was a chance.
FUCK YOU FOR THAT! What's the whole point?! So now you've just decided to back out. To walk out just like that? What's the whole bloody point?! Why did you have to tell me you liked me from the very beginning?
Did you even know how hard it was for me? Do you know how much effort I've actually put just to act normal? Whenever I see you, I've always felt like running away. I didn't want to send out the wrong message. Everytime I saw you, I feel really uncomfortable. I wanted to run and to hide. But I know that it is going to hurt you.
WHY DID I EVEN CARE?! I shouldn't have cared. I shouldn't have let myself worry about how you were going to feel because it seems to me that you don't really care about how I would feel. I told you from the start. The very first day we spent together, I said
"I would never want to be invovled with someone from the same class or college". Now tell me, where am I going to hide this face of mine? I am going to constantly have to see you in college. To bump into you. Where else can I run to? Where can I hide? What happens to me now? What happens to MY EGO?? MY DIGNITY?? Where am I ever going to put that? Yeaa, I know.
It's not your problem. It's okay, I understand.
It's MY problem, I'll deal with it MYSELF!
That was LOVE & now's friendship. Friends are everywhere, but true friends? I don't even know if I have any. For what's worth,
I walk this world alone. I came alone, I'll leave alone. I can't trust anyone anymore.
They'll just turn around && BANG you straight up. So yea.
&& lastly, HEALTH! Somehow, my body is trying to tell me a message. I don't know what it means and yes it is scary. But I've always felt. I've always known that I will never live long. What makes me think so? Well, for starters, my GUT FEELINGS. They're like feeling like this for almost 2 years now. Secondly, how my body is showing me signals and signs. Tell me how is it possible for my
old sickness to start coming back. To haunt me as I sleep. Yes, I have flams that blocks my trachea and my nose && Yes, I have
breathing difficulties at night when I sleep. && How I am just so vulnerable these few days. My
immunity is gone. I'm easily attacked by flus. And now,
I'm suspected with Colon Cancer. TAA-DAA!!
STORY OF MY LIFE (:
Somehow I just wish that somehow, somewhere, there is a door. An exit door for me to step right out of all these mess. I wish that I could just escape for even the slightest moment. To take a breath and actually breathe. To be able to run far far away. Someplace no one will ever know. Someplace for me to hide and never come out. If only I could, I swear, I would!xoxo, ever yours,
Virginie Laurency.
