Tearing But Holding On

Maybe you couldn't see, maybe you couldn't feel, of maybe you simply don't give shit! But it's not exactly the easiest thing for me. To seeing you around yet having to pretend that you are not there. To having to constantly distracting myself so that I wouldn't have to lay eyes on you for more than 3 seconds. To having to keep avoiding you when all that I want to do is to draw closer to you. To keep having to go against my heart. Oh yes, she's warned me about you. She's told me everything I needed to know to stay away. Somehow, it's impossible. Everything about you keeps pulling me to you like a force of gravity. Honestly it hurts how I am not even able to know you better even as a friend. The feeling of wanting to break down this wall I've built to keep me distant from you. It's a struggle yet I must not give in. You may be what I'm yerning for now, but you will never be the one that is going to love me.

How do I know that? I am constantly reminded by not just you but by myself. When I see you, it's clear to see that you do not realize my presence. When I try to talk to you, somehow you never listen. && thus I am only able to draw near to you only in my dreams. But yet again, in my dreams you keep telling me it's never to be. Yet why does it feel so right? Why must there be hope? In my dreams, you told me, that we can never be. But you held on to my hands and plant kisses on my lips. But after that, you said you cant do this :(

I've been struggling for months. Pulling on strings I shouldn't pull, stepping on stones I shouldn't step. I'm holding on to my heart. Overlaying it with armors and weapons. I tried moving on when I thought I couldn't. But somehow at last I did it. I've let you go.

But it was until yesterday that I've realized how much I am not OVER YOU!

But yet again, the skies has spoken, the ground has stood up.

WE ARE NEVER MEANT FOR EACH OTHER!

p/s: I feel like crying, but that shows weakness, thus I'll hold on to these tears && bury it deep down within!

xoxo, ever yours,
Virginie Laurency.