Broken Family?

It never quite occur to me that the FAMILY issue would be such a big hit on me. Four almost 14 years now I've lived life since my parents separated. I never really took time to think about things. Could it be that I really didn't have time to think of such things? Is it because I never had the thought pass me by or AM I AVOIDING IT every time, every chance I get? I don't quite know how to describe this feeling. It's like the road of my life is filled with gutters. Each time I fall, I feel ever as lonely as I ever did before. Somehow, when I look around, all I see is something alien to me. How does it really feel like to HAVE a family? How does it feels like to be able to eat at the table with everyone for dinner every night? How does it feels like watching football with your dad? Or the feeling of playing dolls with your kid sister? Fighting with you're brother over the television? Having girls talk with your mother? Advertising in class had an advert about this woman who lost the husband, whom which tell others to appreciate the person you love for even the slightest things. When I thought of this, or should I say, when I saw this, I really wanted to run home and hug my mom, hug my dad && tell them that I love them. Yet when I came home, I wondered. Where's my dad all this while? Where was he when I first went to school? Where was he when my heart got broken? Where was he when I was lost in choices of the world? Where was he when I needed the love of a FATHER??!?! I'm not saying that I don't have a dad. I'm not saying that my dad don't love me. But, WHERE IS HE all this while?? I never got to spend time with him. I never got the chance to do things every other kids does with their dad. In fact, the many times I saw him ever since the divorce, I could count them with my fingers.
1) When he came to Malaysia to introduce his new wife.
2) When he came to bring me to Pulau Tioman.
3) When he came with my stepsister to Sunway Lagoon.
4) When I went back to France during winter holidays in standard 2000.
5) When I went back for summer holidays in 2004.
Only five times. That's how many times I've met him since I was 4 years old.
You might say that it's not so bad. At least I still have my mum. Which is true. She's been with me for 18 years now. && yes, she's taken care of me and all but come to think of it. Things are different now. When I was younger, she might have been able to take me for who I am. It's so called responsibility. But what about now? Things are really changing at home. && I don't like it! I DON'T LIKE HOW HOME FEELS TO ME! Home is where the heart is they say. Yet somehow, my heart is never at home. In fact home is one of the last place I will ever want to be. It feels ever so lonely here. For years now, my home has been more of a battle field that a shelter of love and warmth. All we do is fight. All we do is hurt & be hurt! Things are so wrong now. My mum is so caught up into being a MOTHER, she forgotten that what I need is also a FRIEND! From what I feel, she's only providing me with the basic needs. Food, Clothe, Shelter && Money. We don't talk much now. In fact, we don't see much of each other even when we're under the same roof. What happened now? Where is my mother? Where is my father?
If I could have a week, just one magical week to be able to spend time with my mom & dad, I would be very contented with life. All I ever wanted is to be able to come how from school/college and just sit down and watch a movie with my parents. I want to be able to bake cakes and cookies with my mum. I want to dance to silly songs with my dad. I'd like to be whole. To be loved. To know that whatever happens, my family will be right behind me. That my family would be my backbone. These are dreams too far to reach.
Honestly speaking, many of times I feel like I don't belong. Where else could I go? What else could I do? Thus, this is the story of my life.

p/s: When I look around at my friends, I am jealous of the relationship they share with their family!

xoxo, ever yours,
Virginie Laurency.