Struggling To Stand Up

There are times in life that you've made a mistake so huge, you literally dug up your own grave. Well, some lucky girls gets away with just a broken heart. I WAS THAT GIRL. It is from my past that I've learned. In order to not be shattered again, you must be aware of the situation you are in and constantly keep your guards. I was there. Until the past few minutes. I fell a from heights deep into a craven. Through these times, I kept trying to climb up. I was being strong and I was holding on. I wanted to get back up on these feet of mine. But I stumbled. I stumbled and fall deeper than where I had fallen from the beginning.

I told myself that I would never fall for another guy. Not until I'm ready. Not until I healed. That was the promise I made to myself. I did good. Yet fate has other means for me. Along came this boy. From the very start I could smell trouble. I took every precaution and I stood on my ground. Yet his charm turned my legs into Jell-O. Thus, I was defeated. He seemed different. Different from the rest. At least that's what I thought. But I was WRONG.

Although many things has happened between the both of us in such short period of time, I was willing to reconsider time after time. Because my heart spoke against my mind. But I know now. Trust not upon your feelings because it's feelings that broke your heart in the first place. I was vulnerable. I was dependent. I needed love and shelter. I needed the love of a guy. The kind of love I've never really gotten since I was young.

Yes, that's too much to ask for. I was comfortable around him. I enjoy being in his presence because I can be myself with him. But that was just my expectations. It's never that easy Virginie, never that easy. It seems like I can never really be myself because I will tick him off. I am aware of that now. No point having high hopes, cause I'll only be bringing myself down.

In any case, If you're ever reading this, which I doubt. There was NEVER a day that I was pissed at you. From the very first Friday we spent together till this very Friday. I was never mad nor did I scold you for things you do or did not do. You know how I am. You know deep down inside that I am just a playful girl. I told you from the start that I'm still a child. I never meant for my jokes to sound as if it was meant in a bad way. I never meant to hurt you or make you mad. I just enjoyed how you care for me and the attention you gave me. It makes me feel accepted in a way. But I guess I really really really went over board. I should have think before I speak. I bare the consequences for my actions. I know you're mad and I'm sorry. But what you said was a bullet through my chest. All my life, I was never scolded the way you scolded me today. It hurts a lot. I swear I could hear the shout of each words from a million miles and I can feel the anger piercing through my very veins. I'm fighting to hold back tears right now because I know if I let even one little drop of tear fall, I'm gone. I would be completely drowned. And to hold it in like this takes a lot of energy and that is one thing I don't have these days.

I actually can't believe that you would think that I never thought about your feelings because it's the ONE thing I've been thinking these past fucking weeks. OMG OMG OMG!! I feel like taking the keys to the car and just drive off far far away until I no longer feel anything. All the time I'm thinking of ways to not hurt your feelings and this is what you think of me? Oh my God! The things I actually did?!?!

I had to constantly keep myself cool and calm when you're around so that none of my sudden actions might make you feel mad or sad. I always tried to control myself and try not to hide or run away so that YOU would not feel as if I was avoiding you. I was trying to act normal. Dude, I actually had to struggle to act normal when you're in the room. I was NOT COMFORTABLE at some point but I choose to overcome it because I don't want you to feel like I am not comfortable with you. I wanted you to be happy and normal about how things were. Every time I am being myself around you, I had to remind myself that there are limits and a border to not cross. It's not easy for me. But I was willing to try because I really really really liked you.

I don't know what to do anymore now because I guess I crossed the line. I went too much. From this point onwards, I can only imagine of what might become of us. I really don't know how to face you anymore. Not after what I did. Not after making you mad. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed of being seen by you now.

I'm sorry if the many things I said or did hurts you or even broke your heart. I wish I have never done it. I wish I was smart enough to think before I did anything. For what's worth, I really really cared about you and your feelings. For what's worth, I do like you. && a possible chance at ...

Goodnight You. Goodnight Love. Goodnight World.

xoxo, ever yours,
painfully scared,
Virginie Laurency.